A Good Cry

It happened today. I had a good cry. I can't remember the last time I cried. This cry was a little different. I cried out of gratitude. I didn't cry for loss or fear. I remember a time when I had no more tears to cry. Today, I cried out of relief and blessings.

This parenting trip is so scary at times. I find myself second guessing my/our decisions more often than ever. I never thought I'd cry out of happiness and relief, but today was the day. I felt it was blogworthy.

Thank you, family.

Thank you, friends.

Thank you, God!

Some Years More Than Others

It's here again. September 5. It comes once a year, and it's been here 10 times for me now. It's a solemn...almost sacred day for Bobby and I.
We always talk about it. Some years more than others. This year very little, so far. It's still early.
Tears are still shed. Some years more than others for that, too.
It's a lonely day. Some years more than others.
One thing that is constant from year to year is that we miss our babe and believe in forever families.

Grades 1, 3, 7, 10

This is the first time in 15 1/2 years that all of my children are in school all day. It's a strange feeling. I enjoy my time, but most days I am ready for them to walk through the door starting at 2:30. I said, "MOST DAYS."

Bad Egg?

Look what one of our hens laid!

Braces!

I've never seen a kid so excited for braces. Her Uncle Jason pulled six teeth just to make it possible for her to get into braces before school starts. She is thrilled. Dr. Cook should have fun with this case.

Oceanside '13

For several years now my family has been spending a week of July in Oceanside. This year I was granted a timeshare of my grandpa's for five days. It was so nice! We had a wonderful time with so much family. I didn't take enough pictures, but here are some favorites.

Hummingbird Rescue

Bobby brought home two hummingbirds in a nest that was cut down on a job site. For eight days we tended to these tiny creatures. Did you know hummingbird babies need to eat every 20-30 minutes? Did you know they need more than just nectar? Did you know if they are not given the right diet, they can go cripple and never fly? Did you know Yuma has a hummingbird garden?

Tending to the baby birds was fun and cute at first. After eight days of constantly feeding and worrying about these helpless babies, I decided I had done the best I could, and it was time to let the birds go to where they could receive the best care. This was hard. I felt a little like a failure. I felt sad. Defeated. I wanted to be the mother to two little cuties and become the most amazing hummingbird whisperer on YouTube, but I knew I was not the ideal situation for the birds.

Then it hit me; this little situation I had myself in paralleled my childhood a bit.

Again, I know I haven't written much about my childhood, and I keep saying I will...and I will one day. It's in the works, but it needs to be just right.

I don't know if my birth mother reads this blog anymore. I heard she used to.

For thirty something years, I have struggled with feeling of inadequecy and inferiority. It's something I work on every single day even now. When I was first adopted at almost seven years old, I felt excited and so loved by my new family, and that was enough. As I grew into a teenager and started thinking a little deeper about life, I decided my birth parents didn't want me or love me enough to keep me around. I felt unlovable. Unwanted. Abandoned. Different. I mean, if your own blood can't love you then who can, right? When I became a mother myself, these feeling increased. After carrying and birthing a child, how can you let it go?

Well, these miniature birds answered these questions for me.

I know, I know...Ridiculous. Two little birds taught some major life lesson? It's true.

My birth parents did love me. They did the best they could. It took them a while to realize, they weren't the best fit for me. I needed more than they could provide. They loved me enough to let me go. They were smart enough to see it. I know it was not easy for them. It was without a doubt, the hardest decision they ever made, I'm sure. They may even regret their decision sometimes, but they know it was the best choice for six year old me.

Angie, if you are reading this, I thank you everyday for letting me go and giving me a greater chance at life. I love my life. I have you to thank for much of it. Thank you. I love you.

Camping

I haven't camped in a long time. The people pictured below convinced me to try it again. I did it for them and the family. I don't think I will camp again for a long time.