Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Reminder To Self.


This year Thomas's birthday came and went. I avoided blogging or talking about it for several reasons.

One being that I'm almost out of pictures of him to post, and that brings me more sadness than I am ready for, so it's just easier to avoid.

Second reason is it seems as the years go by he is less and less remembered, and this year my girls asked what he looked like, and it hit me that they are losing the memories, as well. I tell myself that this is life and how the brain works, but as I struggle to hang on to his images in my mind I struggle at the same time to keep the tears at bay.

Third reason is that I have been feeling a little shorted lately. I am getting older. We have decided not to have anymore children, and because of this I guess I think/feel I was shorted one baby.

I know, I know he's in heaven waiting for me. I get that. That doesn't change the fact that he's not here and now. The human part of me struggles with these feelings. These silly mortal feelings. I know without a doubt this lifetime is just a drop in our eternal bucket of life. I know life goes on and on after this little, silly life. Now, if I can just convince this mere mortal/myself that there is a time and place for everything. There is a bigger plan than I am aware of. This too shall pass. It will all be worth it.

I guess I just had to write this post to remind myself.

9 comments:

Just Joan said...

It is hard to remember this time here is short when it seems so long right now knowing he is in heaven waiting for you. But it will be so precious when you will get to see him and know him again. I definitely cannot wait, I cannot imagine how you feel. I love you sissy, you are one of the strongest women I know and I will always look up to you. I love you more.

Kimmy said...

I love you Sabra. Your strength and your faith are such great sources of good in the world today. I greatly admire you, my friend. You are amazing.

Wendy said...

Oh Sabra, our Heavenly Father is mindful of you at this time. And I know that you know he loves you, very much. I hope your heavy heart during this time is filled with peace. Love you!

Lisa and Troy Love said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just because we understand the Plan of Salvation and have complete faith in its promises...that doesn't mean we don't feel pain, sometimes excruciating pain. Darn those "silly mortal feelings" huh? It is good for us to say the things you said publicly once in a while. As the title of your post says, we need to hear ourselves say these words. Thank you for your willingness to share and for your powerful example of faith.

Nelson Family of 7 said...

you are my hero! you amaze me!!!

canewton42 said...

I am once again blown away. Every time you write about Thomas Wyatt, it is heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time. You are such a wonderful example of what faith can do; I'm in awe. Anyway, may God bless you and your forever baby, Thomas Wyatt.

alison said...

I love you Sabra, he is one lucky little guy to have you for his mama, what a reunion it will be one day. You are an amazing example of strength and faith.

JennyandTyler said...

Sabra, what a cute baby boy! He is really beautiful. Thanks for being willing to share I know it helps others more than you'll ever know.

TAMMY CLARIDGE said...

I remember reading this post awhile back, and it is so silly to me that I seriously FEEL your pain. Nothing to the extent you do or did. But I don't know why I do. I haven't gone through it. I think it may have something to do with my line of work and having dealt with death of infants several times with patients. I cry with them, my heart seems to have excruciating pain with them, I empathize with them. But I think of you so much and your baby Thomas whom I did not know or meet, but feel like I know. And that is probably because of your posts. Your "reminder to self" is pure, sincere, heartfelt, and normal. You would not be normal if you did not have such feelings. Again... thank you for who you are.