Mike Wagar...

Before I begin this post I have to state something first.

I have had three fathers in this life. I have a birth father, an adoptive father, and a bonus (step) father.

I love my dad, Michael Downing. I see so many kids, especially students, who are living with step-parents, and they are/or feel unloved and unwanted. My dad, Michael, has raised me and loved me as his own. My dad made me feel wanted, and that was and still is a hard thing to make me feel. I love you, Dad!

Now, for my post...

I received a package in the mail this week. I wasn't expecting anything, so it took me by surprise. I opened the box, and pictured below is what was inside.

I have mentioned a time or two that I am adopted. I was six when I left my roots and grafted on to another clan. At almost seven, I was officially and legally a Kleinman/Berryman (a few years later I became a Downing, as well). I won't get into specifics. That is for another post.

Now, back to the package...

When I opened this box and saw the hat and belt my birth father, Mike Wagar actually wore...I just can't put it properly into words what I felt. At the risk of sounding cliche, I felt a flood of emotions. To own something that was once his means so much to me. My dad, Mike Wagar, died a few years ago, and when he did I lost the chance of ever knowing him the way girls should know their fathers. I felt cheated, left out, and unwanted.

Mike Wagar is/was the most handsome, rough n' tough cowboy I have ever known. His hat and belt symbolize his life in a nutshell.

Alicia is my brother's girlfriend (soon to be wife). She mailed me the package along with the most beautiful, sweet letter. Most amazing to me was the fact that she hand wrote the letter. I haven't seen a handwritten letter in years! Just to know my brothers know who I am, and their significant others know who I am is gift enough for me. I loved those boys. I was old enough to care when I left. They were just babies. I know they have no memories of me at home, but rest assured, I have enough memories for all of us.

I kept my Wagar name until I was married. I am proud of my non-traditional, somewhat disfunctional, and always an adventure life.

Who knew the power an old hat and belt would have over me. When I opened that box, I felt a part of something. Something I had been craving since I was six years old.

Thank you, Alicia, for sending such a special gift.